In some cases such as bullying, harassment, etc. Give yourself permission to not be the things you wish you could be.
Embrace the fact that all of your qualities — both your boons and shortcomings — are essential to the equation that is you. They may not exist; we frame the world within the good-and-bad dichotomy because our minds naturally process things in terms of what they are not. One Word of Caution Sometimes, people who dislike you have legitimate reason to do so.
What Will This Mean for You? This can mean about as much or as little for your life as you like. If you do this, more people may end up disliking you, but you will likely be more content, stand for something not fascism, please , and derive a sense of meaning from your identity that is arguably hella valuable.
I simply follow my own feelings. This article originally appeared on Refine the Mind. Take care of your mental health every day with the Shine app. Shine is supported by members like you. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.
See our affiliate disclosure for more info. Jordan Bates. We pander to the whims of others, hoping to please everyone. Here's a sneak peek: This is a tragedy! Actions speak louder than words, you know.
Even when it doesn't pay off people respect the person who's not afraid to try. Plus, it makes for some pretty interesting stories along the way. Subscribe to our weekly email to get practical tips and inspiration to help you feel more joyful and resilient.
Start Here. Share Tags Relationships. Don't miss your happier boost! Sometimes, over-communicating puts people at ease. Good communicators take a breath once in a while! Likable people are always listeners who are curious to genuinely learn new things. The best communicators talk and talk—and then listen for a response. That makes them an office favorite. Really and truly care. How do you develop the personality trait of caring? It can be difficult, especially in an age of social media where everyone is dangerously close to being a narcissist.
Caring is an act of setting aside your own interests and ambitions for a while and helping others. It requires effort. You have to consciously decide you are going to care about someone else. We all know how important it is to steer clear of the office know-it-all.
Why is that? My mother was not there for me emotionally and was very critical of me in a very negative way. But I am not youthful any more and dammit I hate the way I feel. I take a dance class and the instructor ignores me and I feel does not like me. This is devastating to me.
So that is my story. I have left my church for personal reasons and this is the only desicion I have ever made that I feel comfortable about because I know I am being true to myself.
I was told that wanting to be liked is because one is ego centric and too self involved. That seems too simple of an answer. So that is it. I hear you sister! I have the same issue. I moved to a different part of the country after retiring. At first, I was jazzed about staring out in a new neighborhood.
I was positive and welcoming. I became a officer the HOA and soon I felt others were not appreciating my time and effort in making the neighborhood better.
Some even flipped me off because of a decision I made regarding neighborhood security. Then I felt others barely waved to me. My wife would ask why I care so much. I searched this blog and it gave me a few pointers on how to combat this feeling I have about wanting to be liked. Tempted to be down about it. So a random Google brought me to your article and I must tell you, the best thing about it is your powerful honesty and vulnerability about your own struggles in this area.
Thank you!!! I am running into the issue that my ultimate goal is to be an expert in my field, want to be invited to speak at conferences, etc. I am pretty much there, but I am realizing that my desire is to go to conferences and meetings with my peers and have everyone like me and to feel included for once in my life, want people to think I make a difference in their training, etc.
I do feel that the work I do with the groups is important, but I have so many irons in the fire that my work is suffering, as well as my participation in the groups. I am having a really hard time letting go, because I do not want people to think I am a failure. However, I AM failing at doing my best for all these groups and my job. I have interpersonal issues, and what you talk about resonates deeply, but I am so worried that I am too far gone.
Sarah, you said you want to feel important. People will pick up on that in the language you use to communicate and the manner in with which you deliver your message. Interact with your audience in a way that impresses them with your knowledge but do so with charm and humour. Dear shola, I believe that I suffer for the same problem and I have an ask to you. Could you make a new post trying to explain from a psychological point of view, why some people NEED to be liked? I really would like to know the origin of the problem, the roots.
It is a pleasure to meet you. I have been grappling with some challenging work related issues and wanted to say a very special thank you for writing this blog. Thank you very much. I love this blog!! I have lived my 43 years with the need to please everyone around me. Ive been going to therapy and have realised that i cannot keep living my life how other people want me to any longer!
I have begun by removing all toxic people from my life and although i know its going to take time to change how i think, i can never be the doormat i have been all my life ever again!!! Thank you for the inspiration. That is a very helpful article. Wow, how many things have I done because I wanted to be liked or validated or honored — and worse — I was completely unaware of it? I am not sure. When I was a Sophomore in college as a math major thinking about law school , I mentioned to my roommate that I was thinking about switching to Psychology.
And I never looked into it again! So I abandoned my instinct to pursue an area I felt fascinating because I was afraid people would think it is silly! Your posts give me strength and hope. I admire your ability to be vulnerable, something us married men need more opportunity for. Thank you! Going to the next step, as a married man with many responsibilities, what now? We can not very well just drop everything and start again. I hope you will post an article on this. And if someone reads it and does not like it, all the better.
Just found your article. Thank you so much for writing it. I am in a situation where 3x a week I have to be in the company of someone who does not like me and your article helped me get a new perspective in accepting the situation.
I feel the need to be liked by everyone so much that I gave my kidney to a stranger, I constantly give money and gifts to friends and strangers, and I go so far out of my way to make people happy.
In my mind, in trying to be a good person, and bring a little joy to this extremely difficult life. I read your article. This post made me cry happy tears. I feel lost.. They try to help everyone. I think the biggest problem held by people who want to be accepted has to do with the fact that we have such big hearts. We just want to love everyone, and we want everyone to love us, too. Good for you. Hello Shola just discovered your blog, and this one speaks to me and the major fear I am challenged with especially in my current relationship.
I love him, he shows me love, I feel it, unlike my past relationship, but I worry that I may be entering a toxic environment because of my perception and need to protect my feelings. Its just a new experience that I really didnt process before, as though my past relationship didnt work, his family adored me.
There was no question about that. I try to be a people pleaser, so feeling like this in this current relationship has me worried. But I am working on being ok with it, and just to love me more, continue to show love towards my partner, and to not get distracted. Your blog reaffirmed that. Thank you. On the flip side, how do you deal with someone that has a constant need to be liked?!
So how do I deal with this person? I feel like I need to treat her with kid gloves…. This is my life story right here. I needed these positive words to get through my day. I an struggling with this constantly. I am trying to change but feel caught up in it all the time. I have struggled with the need to be liked since I was a child. By family, peers at school and work. It caused me to develop severe depression that kicks in every blue moon.
All I wanna do is cry, pack my stuff in my car and drive off into a new world. I had an ex tell me that I dont need people to like me. I never asked him what that meant. But now Im hearing his statement more and more in my head. At my current job everyone used to be nice.
Lately, its been alot of tension. Im feeling like Im that kid that got picked on at school alot again. Its so many cliques. People just stop speaking to me all together. I do spokenword and am putting together my first showcase in April. I mentioned it and feel like that is the reason people have been so distant. This is my first production and I am very excited. But now I feel like I cant talk about it anymore.
People cut me off when Im talking to another person and take over the conversation like Im not there. That makes me feel very alienated. I try not to let it bother me, but it does.
I feel invisible at times. If I can find a way to cope. I will be alot happier. I aimed to please everyone but myself. This continued on and on until I became filled with so much self-loathing, I self harmed. At 54, I am still learning to love myself, trying to undo decades of self-punishment. Truly liberating. I appreciated this article. I felt like I was reading about myself.
I am looking forward to attempting some of the tips that you gave. I am also a new fan of your blog because of this article.
Looking to dive into some more cool stuff. This is me. One thing I really struggle with is having perspective. Am I being unkind and try to shift and re-think my entire life philosophy. Which is so mentally draining. How do you stay focused on who you are?
I also had to live in a culture that very different than the one I was brought up in childhood, a country US that i had no first-hand knowledge of when i first arrived. Thank you for your vulnerability in this post.
I do need everyone to at least tolerate me with a smile, if not like me. And I want out of this cycle. So thank you — very much — for being there. This is amazing , the particular issue of someone speaking is just what i am feeling or was feeling at the moment i began to read this blog.
I totally understand now this is in fact a problem and i have to deal with it! Live in my truth and be the best me i can. I need to print your words so that i can read them again.
That helps me. Thank you for being you and sharing. Do you have a book that will also help me with this. I know it is a process for me because i have been this way for a while. Just about a week ago i realized it was a problem to trying to please people and wanting them to like me, i get it.
Please suggest some readying material to help me. I am ready to be the best me and live in my truth and stand in it alone. Thank you so much! Just what i needed this morning. I think the need of being liked comes in very different ways. Thank you for writting this article, for sharing your experience from the heart, because sometimes we think we are the only ones going through a situation. But yet, forgiving myself for doing it!
Today, I found myself sinking into this hole of insecurity, wanting to be liked by everyone. I have always been a bit socially awkward. I would often avoid people and isolate myself because I feared not being liked so I would rather stay away from everyone.
Eventually I graduated high school and went off to college where life changed. For many years I worked taking care of children with special needs and I loved it. As of 2 months ago I got a new job as a sales person selling homes. Huge change in careers. I wanted to grow so I felt this jump would be beneficial until I find myself wanting to be liked by everyone.
In all honesty, I feel as if the root issue of all of it is my insecurity. I feel as if until I learn to truly LOVE myself, what others think will not affect me as it does now. Just live your life. Why do people care so much about what other people think? It should have no bearing on what you choose to do.
Honestly, lose the negative people in your life or keep them to a minimum. Oh, and clean out your home and work space. It does wonders for your mind. Thank you Shola for this post. Thanks also to everyone who shared. But I realize I have to. Reading this blog is inspiring me to be clear, confident and reminding me that me being empowered will be good for all. Back in high school, I would try very hard to be accepted, even if I had to lie and make up something, that led to me being ostracized by my classmates, it became a sense of trauma for me as it was a very hurtful experience.
Being an outspoken person by nature did not help either, but I have a very good heart. I care for my friends and I always hope they would care back. In fact, I care too much, and when I do not get invited or talked to, I would be sad.
I never had any real deep friendships or a gang.
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